Yeah…i could scream right now. Im stagnant. Im really, really stagnant. Ive gotten lazy. Ive become content. Ive become complacent. And what am i doing to fix it? I dont know. I dont know that i will ever know. Work wise im fine….im getting promoted here very soon again, passed a board. Work ethic is still thriving. But…its the “after the facts” that im dead on. No, im not talking about bills and such…trust me, im welllllll ahead in that game. So what am i talking about? *laughs* i really dont know. But i know that feeling this way sucks. You know, i think its because of my many days of reflecting on things that have come to pass that i feel this way. Or maybe its just me being retarded. I dont know. I dont……know. AH!!! i just thought of something. I felt this same way when i was in Korea. Noone to relate to with my beliefs, no way to escape without knowing that it is their “job” and “obligation” to serve others spiritually. Absolutely no passion…they do it because they have to. I absolutely refuse to go through that again….i refuse.

Salaam

Standing on the edge of the Palisades’ Cliffs
In the shadow of the skyline very far away
Like a lightning rod that couldn’t pull the storm from me
I was 5 years old, my best friend’s older brother died
He fell from these cliffs
The river washed him away, the current pulled him downstream
And our lives float in the headlines, so we park these cars
Parent’s garage
Listen to the lullaby
Of carbon monoxide

War all of the time
In the shadow of the New York skyline
We grew up too fast, falling apart
Like the ashes of American flags
If the sun doesn’t rise
We’ll replace it with an H-bomb explosion
A painted jail cell of light in the sky
Like three-mile-island nightmares on TVs that sing us to sleep
They burn on and on like an oil field
Or a memory of what it felt like
To burn on and on and not just fade away
All those nights in the basement, the kids are still screaming
On and on and on and on

War all of the time
In the shadow of the New York skyline
We grew up too fast, falling apart
Like the ashes of American flags
And we’re blowing in the wind
We don’t know where to land
So we kiss like little kids
We used to be very tall buildings
We’ve been falling for so long
Now your eyes are a sign on the edge of town
They offer a welcome when you are leaving

War all of the time
In the shadow of the New York skyline
We grew up too fast, falling apart
Like the ashes of American flags
The pieces fall it’s like a last day parade
And the fires in our streets start to rage,
So wave to those people who long to wave back
from the fabric of a flag that sang “love all of the time”

War all the time, war all the time
All of the time
War all the time, war all the time
All of the time
All of the time
War all of the time
War all of the time
War all of the time
War all of the time

…..Im tired of it. Arent you?

Overcome by your moving temple
Overcome by this holiest of altars

So pure, so rare
To witness such an earthly goddess
That I’ve lost my self control
Beyond compelled to throw this dollar
Down before your holiest of altars

I’d sell my soul,
My self-esteem a dollar at a time

For one chance, one kiss,
One taste of you my Magdalena

I bear witness to this place,
This prayer, so long forgotten
So pure, so rare
To witness such an earthly goddess

That I’d sell my soul,
My self-esteem a dollar at a time
For one chance, one kiss,
One taste of you my black Madonna

I’d sell my soul,
My self-esteem a dollar at a time

One taste, one taste,
one taste of you my Magdalena

Hmmm…whats the story to this song? Look at it….youll pick up the short hints…such as praying to an altar…an earthly goddess….throwing dollars at the altar. Tell me…whats your take?

My tears ran like autumn rain
When cupids love was slain
In my heart there was only pain
I turn my back upon the world.

My world was shattered
When I lost all that mattered
And my dreams were scattered
I turn my back upon the world.

My heart has been broken
Her love for me was only token
All her promises now forsaken
I turn my back upon the world.

The loss of my hearts desire
Cold embers where once was fire
To love again I can only aspire
I turn my back upon the world.

But with head high I went forward
Feeling not a little awkward
And I found my just reward
When I went again into the world.

Though my love ended in tears
It’s never as dark as it appears
I’ve put aside my darkest Fears
And I must go again out into the world.

Now back from the brink of madness
With Only distant memories of Sadness
My heart no resounds in gladness
Now I’m back again into the world.

Hmm…I wonder if ill do the same.

So…my “new” car is gone. Of course it wasnt my fault. A Semi Truck made a turn to shallow and didnt realize i was there apparently. My car…with me in it, got crushed underneath the trailer it was carrying. No worries…i walked away with a cut on my forehead…no biggie. 6 Stitches..again no biggie…im more pissed about my car, but i got a new one now…a 2004 Dark Blue Pontiac Grand Am. Nice lil vehicle. I felt bad though because the man…Mr. Richard Lucas…a very well aged trucker…big guy…cried when he saw the vehicle with me still in it. It was actually pretty sad…but he climbed in the back seat from the passenger side and helped me out. I didnt yell nor was i worried about the car really…i just wanted to make sure he was alright.Plus! my car was covered by Gap insurance…so thats good also. So…whats my lesson for this experience? i have no idea….you tell me?

So…have you ever thought of those really random questions that just come out of nowhere? For instance; What happens if two black holes collide…or what happens when two flowers grow from the same root? Well, how about this question….What happens when you die? I dont know the answer to this question. I dont even know this for me. I dont know what is going to happen when i die, nor when i will die. I just know that it will happen. So what then? Do i meet our Father, or was i just chasing a dream my whole life and it jsut turns out to be a hoax. These questions i dont know. But Iraq is a very real place, and the war is a very real thing. So my question is to you…..How do you live your life before you know that its too late to change?
By the way….Katherine this is my address *smile*. i would love to keep in touch again….along with your “children”.
HHT 1-4 CAV
Bldg 7850
Fort Riley, KS 66442

Ahh the spoils of victory….i know that makes no sense…both to me and you =P. Quick update; Im deploying in the summer to afghanistan, Kansas State University is an awesome place to meet new people, dont try to jump down two flights of stairs by bouncing from wall to wall….it hurts when you land (yes, stupid i know but i had to try it), and im driving to kentucky this weekend which is a 3 day this time…gonna meet with an old friend. ok! thats it.

So…Im on the move again. Back from Korea…now in Kansas. Is there ever going to be an end to it? *smile* not for a long time. My next stop…Iraq late next summer. The stop after that? Special Forces school. Hurray for me =P.

“Will a man find a home….if he walks the world alone….searching for a promised land…..another day walk and wait….for his choice to end in fate…searching for life among the dead…once i held, you near and words would clear my hand….rested upon your heart….now by night…and flame my core you make my love…when will and answer be found? Where is my Child.”

Listen to those words as you say them to yourself as i did. What is it…that i am walking this world alone for? You know why ive had such a hard time with the things ive done here in Korea? I chose not to find a home…i chose to walk the world alone. I was searching for something i knew would never be there. Everything i did….alone. Everything i was…alone. Everything i am…..alone. Where have i gone? What road did i travel to bring me here…and can i go back? Nothings going to change what has happened here. Ive done what i can do…and you know how ive realized that?

“Its been a long time comin…long time…and im ready to go…and im steppin out the door…doing what feels right…followin my Lord through the darkest night…and when the path gets narrow…ill follow Him…and when the world come down around….ill be with Him….Ill be with Him…Ill be with Him….He said sing it on the mountain…in the valley low…Hes my God and He never let me go…He said sing it on the mountain…fight in the valley low…every man gone see and every man will know….that Peace runs deep…deep in Him.”

Im sorry…for isolating myself from those i love and needed.

“Oh Eloi…Oh Eloi…Lama Sabacthani…..”